A | B
by Rohan S. Naik, 2024 Law Fellow
Years ago
at breakfast in the college dining hall
I slurped cereal quickly
and scanned a piece in the Times
I hoped no one would sit at my table
I was too old to eat Cocoa Puffs in public
and it was too early
to fake interest in a dull conversation
Plus, I was reading
An article about a bookkeeper on trial
I think you’ve read it too
His name was Oskar Gröning
He was at Auschwitz, or was it Birkenau?
I didn’t know the difference at the time
He stole people’s money
It said he was a soldier too
“How can you be a bookkeeper and a soldier?” I wondered
I guess anyone can be a soldier
It kind of freaked me out
but I reminded myself that I was born in America
and America is supposed to be immune to things like this
or that’s what we tell ourselves at least
And even more so
I was born to a privileged family
and had only ever gone to private school
and played squash and went on nice vacations across the world
Bad things happen to people
but not to people like me
Shit
I realized I was late
for my morning class
Advanced Spanish Grammar
I didn’t get to finish the Puffs
It took me nine years
to think about Oskar
again
It was nice to not think
Before we went to Auschwitz
I went for a morning run
My pace was slow
I only had myself to blame
I took a leisurely shower
then my phone blew up
that I was late, and everyone was waiting
Flushed with embarrassment
I wondered if people thought less of me for being late
Then I thought less of myself for having a delusional sense of self-importance
At the camp
I look at my feet
And wonder if Oskar had stood where I was
I wonder if his feet were smaller than mine
What if his shoe print fit perfectly into mine
or mine perfectly into his
I spent a lot of time with the book
in Block 27
that had the list of names of those murdered
My best friend during college
is now a rabbi
I searched for Altmann, his grandfather’s name
There were many Altmanns
I texted him a picture
The next day he responded
“The Hungarian Atmanns were actually really Sterns”
And his grandfather changed his name in a camp after the war
Oh
I think that
there were many Sterns in the book too
At the end of the tour
the guide asked if there were more questions
I had nothing profound to say
or perhaps I did but didn’t know how to say it
And maybe that’s worse
In another tour group a girl sipped Fanta from a straw out of a glossy orange can
The straw fell out of her hands and dropped silently to the ground
She looked around furtively, but
she didn’t pick it up
I wondered if she would have if she realized that I had noticed
No one raised their hand to ask a question
“Ok,” the guide chuckled, “now I can go home,” he said
“in time to watch Iga Swiatek at Roland Garros”
I don’t know why I felt so cold at the camp when it was warm or
why the wine at dinner was bad or why my run was so slow
or why the girl didn’t pick up the straw or whether the bookkeeper-soldier and I had
the same shoe size or whether he hated himself like I sometimes hate myself
As we turned to leave, I noticed that
it was raining but not dark
the daylight so dazzling
it was impossible to look straight
Rohan S. Naik was a 2024 FASPE Law Fellow. He is a corporate lawyer in New York City.